Always Hate Me


It breaks my heart to know deep down that this is exactly where we are heading.
Except that I will get to the point of not caring to hate.
It’s like a balancing act: love and hate are just two sides of the same coin; on the other side there is only indifference.
The love is gone, leaving space to mixed feelings which are starting to find a defined place in my heart, in my mind, in my past.
The hate will go too. I can’t hate someone who will most likely never have the courage to look inside himself and realise that – maybe – when his wife clearly said she couldn’t feel a connection any more it was meant to be a step towards redefining the relationship, not a ticket to check out and jump onto the first convenient train that happened to pass by. It was, and is, all about him.

I will always see the love that once was in my three girls. And that is enough for me to keep on smiling inside. Despite the overflowing sadness which is taking over the anger right now.


We cannot make decisions for those we love


Beautiful words in reply to the message I sent C yesterday .

K, I don’t remember what I wrote to you, but it was probably unfiltered, raw, and as honest as I could have been at the time, just knowing me. It is nice that words can have impact a decade along, once we’ve lived more.

I don’t know what you are specifically going through but whatever it is specifically, it’s likely not the specifics that are the issue anyway–the evidence so to speak. I too am now a father. I’m a coach. I’m a husband. If there is anything I’ve learned since our lives brushed and we very clearly loved each other for who each was; what I’ve learned is that we can make decisions for ourselves and we can make decisions for the good of those we love, but we cannot make decisions for those we love. All we can do is hope that love prevails–that love conquers all that is poor, dark, and gray in the imperfection that is being human. When someone is sad that they hurt loved ones, there is always hope. But when that is out asunder, I truly don’t know what to make of that. I am thankful that I have never experienced it. But I can see how selfishness is all around, as our personal time gets eaten at the service of those we love–those who make a family what a family is and should be.

I don’t have answers to how to work around deceit. All I can say is love your children. Love them so that no matter what, they grow knowing what truth and love are.

I wish you love and courage.