It breaks my heart to know deep down that this is exactly where we are heading.
Except that I will get to the point of not caring to hate.
It’s like a balancing act: love and hate are just two sides of the same coin; on the other side there is only indifference.
The love is gone, leaving space to mixed feelings which are starting to find a defined place in my heart, in my mind, in my past.
The hate will go too. I can’t hate someone who will most likely never have the courage to look inside himself and realise that – maybe – when his wife clearly said she couldn’t feel a connection any more it was meant to be a step towards redefining the relationship, not a ticket to check out and jump onto the first convenient train that happened to pass by. It was, and is, all about him.
I will always see the love that once was in my three girls. And that is enough for me to keep on smiling inside. Despite the overflowing sadness which is taking over the anger right now.
As soon as we got home after swimming Evie and Tilly headed upstairs to watch 15 minutes of Peppa Pig while I was going to cook some dinner. Mia was roaming the hallway as usual, searching for my iPhone which I had just taken away from her, when she tried to pull herself up holding onto the radiator cover. Which crashed down on her with all the bits and bobs we keep in the baskets on top of it: coins, business cards, mail, bubbles, chalk, nails, golf tees, sunglasses… I caught the wooden cover just before it landed on Mia’s head so there was no real damage, except for a fright. And a bout of rage on my behalf: the cupboard hadn’t been screwed back into the wall since May!!! (when the plumber had to drain the heaters because of a major boiler/cylinder problem which left us with no hot water for almost a month because Tom wasn’t interested in getting it fixed… you see he was getting his hot showers in his apartment in Turin so it wasn’t his problem).
I try hard not to express my rage towards Tom in front of the girls, but realising that Mia could’ve been badly hurt made me lose it: “your stupid daddy, he couldn’t just fix it in the last 6 months could he???!!!! He is so stupid and selfish. Stupid stupid stupid!”.
I then proceeded to go and find the filler cartridge, and the cartridge gun and filled up the holes so that tomorrow I can screw the thing back into place. And won’t have to think about Tom and what he “should” do every time I walk up and down the hallway and the little radiator shelf wobbles.
And then his words sprung to my mind: “I am not a 60 year old retired man. I don’t have time and I am not interested in doing any house maintenance”.
My questions are:
- why did you buy a house?
- who do you expect to fix stuff around any house you live in?
- how can you not even realise that maybe this particular diy job should have been done solely in the interest of your daughters, because it was only a matter of time before the thing was bound to topple over. His favourite words, and the password that allowed me to discover the truth, not the one I was supposed to believe: